"Desperate Prayers" . A religious summer camp in the mountains. I was fifteen. Bible studies in the day. At night fire and brimstone in the chapel. Each night after the service we would all march to the swimming pool where those who had decided were dressed in white and baptized. . "If you die in your sleep tonight. If you die in your sleep tonight." Seven days. Six nights On the seventh night I could no longer hold out and when we marched to the swimming pool I was one of those dressed in white. . I went back, rigid, into the water, completely immersed. . And then the preacher who was holding me pulled me back up, but I did not come up speaking in tongues like most of the others. . I was only half saved. . I needed the Holy Ghost. All next day I prayed in the chapel. The Holy Ghost did not come. I never opened my eyes. I heard people come in for the evening service and kept praying. . The Holy Ghost did not come. . People would grab my head and shake it, praying for my salvation. The hymns started and I would rock violently to the beat on my bloody knees. . Why not me? Why couldn't I be saved? Maybe, the Holy Ghost needs a little help, I thought. Then my tongue started wagging: a la-la sound, fast and guttural, over and over. I opened my eyes. Hallelujah they said. "Alabado sea el Señor." The fire had come down they said. . Deep inside I knew ... I knew the fire had not come down ... those sounds were just me. . I started High School. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. . Years later in México a policeman stuck a gun barrel down my throat. "Habla puto" ("Talk") I closed my eyes and did not ask God to save me.